Out Of My Depth, inspired by a lifelong love between my mother-in-law, Mary Ann, and her ex-husband, Bob. It was an unconventional love story that I had the privilege to witness near its end. Their companionship began at a college bar in London, Ontario, developed quickly into a romance, then marriage, and the birth of a son, Hamilton. The close kinship lasted long after their divorce until Bob passed away from cancer, Mary Ann at his bedside.
We all know the traditional arc of love stories as depicted in countless movies. An unlikely meeting of two incompatible characters, followed by a whirlwind courtship, and an inevitable conflict that seems fated toward certain separation. Just as the couple is at the brink of splitting, the drama is resolved with a fairy tale ending—a long sprint down an airport terminal to chase down a boarding plane, for instance—and a passionate embrace.
Mary Ann and Bob's relationship did not follow such conventions, nor would many in the real world, I presume. Bob was a wild one, which is why he was given the moniker of 'crazy Bob' by his loved ones. Perhaps the wild child in him was not well suited for domesticity, but the reasons behind their separation are their business, not mine. One thing I know for certain is that Bob shined a little brighter with Mary Ann in his company, until the very end.
When I first met Bob, he was full of humour, eccentricities, and spontaneity, despite the advanced stage of his illness. A big fan of Warren Zevon, the excitable boy was still present behind his eyes, though he was weak and frail. At Bob's funeral, Mary Ann gave a beautiful eulogy which summarized their relationship, and Terry's Song, by Bruce Springsteen, was played to honour him. For those unfamiliar with the song, there's a repeated refrain in the lyrics of, "When they built you brother, they broke the mold."
Out Of My Depth came out of what I witnessed before and after Bob's passing, and what I've been told of their relationship by my wife, Elyse, and the family I married into. Mary Ann took on the role of Bob's caregiver in hospice, while remaining a constant source of comfort to their son and Bob’s two stepdaughters, an inspiring testament of strength and generosity.
There is a running motif throughout the song of moving through grief as if moving through water. The imagery represents the way in which we are all out of our depth while navigating mourning, the world around us opaque and unfamiliar. Years of memories come back to us unbidden and crash over a heart laden with grief. And yet, as the song explores, we move forward through the day-to-day matters of living to survive.
Mary Ann always kept her head above water in the wake of Bob's passing, providing comfort to her three children as they mourned. Often, she spoke aloud to Bob, sending one-way messages of kindness to the great beyond which ended in a sigh and the words, “Oh Bobby,” two simple words spoken with such affection they seemed to encapsulate their relationship.
Out Of My Depth, tells a story of love and devotion, but also of graduating into an unfamiliar world, one altered by loss. Death is a fact of life: unavoidable, universal, one we all must endure without knowing when or where the next wave will break.
lyrics
Out Of My Depth
While the waves wash over me
Caught in a current
I drift on a wild wind to the foot of your bed
Swells like pitching seas of raw emotion
Carrying on since you've been gone
Learning to swim over my head
With a weight in my chest as I catch my breath
Out of my depth
At a stoplight sifting through radio static
A song that liked on a 45 we played to death
And you'd make me life until I'd cry
Now I'm doing the opposite
Carrying on since you've been gone
Learning to swim in over my head
Decades to run with, flood gates wide open
Out of my depth
Learning to swim in over my head
Out of my depth
An excitable boy and a runaway girl from the suburbs
Just children in our wedding day photographs
And thick thieves long after we'd parted as lovers
I guess we needed each other
I still loved you, always wills
And it's been a long year
Treading troubled water
Red skies at dawn, ready or not
I'm learning to swim, swept off my feet again
Carrying on since you've been gone
Out of my depth
Learning to swim over my head
Carrying on since you've been gone
Learning to swim out of my depth
credits
from This Much To Lose,
released September 30, 2023
Bryce Jardine: Acoustic Guitar, Electric Guitar, Bass, Synth, Vocals & Backup Vocals
Brad Kilpatrick: Drums & Auxillary Percussion
Nathan Gray: Electric Guitar
Alan Zemaitis: Piano & Organ
Produced by Bryce Jardine & Brad Kilpatrick
Mixed & Engineered by Brad Kilpatrick
Mastered by Gavin Gardiner
Bryce Jardine is an independent songwriter & recording artist. Jardine's songs are poetic, driven by folk-rock.
His 2023 release, This Much to Lose, is co-produced alongside producer, mixing engineer & drummer, Brad Kilpatrick.
Nathan Gray plays pedal steel & lead guitar & Alan Zemaitis plays piano & organ.
Jardine's LP, The Kids Are Gone was produced by Derek Downham & featured Serena Ryder...more